Who the Hell Am I?
We arrive into this world kicking and screaming and we bring with us this innate innocence. At that very moment, we are so beautifully authentic. We know how to be nothing else. As we grow, life happens and things within us begin to change. We are human.
We have been given an unlimited amount of free-will to make our own choices in action and reaction to all the good, the bad and the ugly that comes our way. Religion, politics, societal expectations and relationships are huge factors in forming our belief systems about ourselves, society and our life. Negative emotions begin to creep to the surface causing a crazy metamorphosis in our personality, appearance, thought process and really our whole being. This evolution spawns the creation of our alter ego. This is how we survive humanity.
Though I was a shy and reserved child growing up, my own alter ego emerged as I entered my teenage years. This was when I stopped listening to the Bangles and wearing a polo shirt with the collar turned up. Bleached jeans, leather fringed boots and bad boy hair bands became an element of my existence. This prodigal child of the 80's was on a mission. I didn't really know what that mission was, I just knew it was a rebellious one. Hence, the Wild Middle Child was born and would be my persona for many years to come.
Fast forward several years to my mid-thirties, when a series of traumatic and stressful events twisted my world upside down and spun me into a deep depression. Depression can be such an ugly monster. The pain, anxiety and panic attacks that went along with it were debilitating. I truly thought I was dying. I was horrified. I had a four year old and an 18 year old who I felt both very much needed their mom. They became my why. They were my reason to get my ass out of bed and do something about it. The Wild Middle Child was there with all her strength and sass to help get the job done. She made me see that life was too short to let anything get the best of me. She made me see that I was strong and I could do this without the need for antidepressants, anxiety medication and sleeping pills. So, I did. My stubborn, Wild Middle Child, badass self, did it.
I look back at that time in my life, and I feel a great deal of gratitude. It was all Divinely guided. That moment of darkness was a catalyst for change in my life. It created a spark that reconnected me to my true belief system. It opened up a new path in this incredible yet confusing journey called life. It created this deep craving for connection to spirit and my true self that I had as a young child and lost as grew older and allowed influences in humanity to skew my beliefs.
Over the past year I have felt torn in my direction but have come to realize something very important. I have been trying to embrace my new found life passions while holding on to the Wild Middle Child I had created years ago. I have been so afraid to let her go. What would I do with out her? She was my guardian and protector. She gave me strength and independence. She was there to help me rise above my own anger, jealousy, insecurity and self-judgement. She made me feel like a badass. She was also the one that helped me get to this very moment. She played a key role in helping me reclaim my true self. Because really without her and all the experiences of life she helped me through, I wouldn't be in this present moment, right here. The Wild Middle Child has served me well. But, her job is done and the time has come to set her free.
As I struggle with the fear of letting her go, I realize it's not about saying goodbye. It is simply integrating all of those empowering qualities into my present self. It's about continuing to feel and release any negative emotions that impact me in the present moment. I will still love rock and roll music. I will still enjoy a cold beer on a hot day. I will still laugh and joke and share my smartassisms (that's my own fun little term for it). But from this moment forward, I embrace my true, fun, creative, loving, spiritual and sometimes moody self with open arms ready to receive all the magnificent manifestations the Divine has in store for me. I am so very blessed to have been guided in this journey to move beyond what holds me back. I love the Wild Middle Child. I thank her for all she has taught me. The metamorphosis continues, and now, I set her free.
So, who the hell are you?
Who is your alter ego? What is its role in your life? Is it time to set it free and embrace your authentic self? What's holding you back? A thought to ponder, indeed.
Much love, light and support to you in your journey.